Back and Forth

It's funny how during times of great emotional upheaval (i.e., breakups), people go through seemingly random emotional phases. For instance, tonight I'm just depressed, but LAST night the ONLY thing I wanted to do was go out and get in a fight. I had all this crazy aggression all built up and dying to get out, and I just kept thinking "I'll leave, go to a bar, and get in a fight with some douchebag." It's not like it would be hard to do. Thankfully, my calm, rational side prevailed, and I sedated myself to prevent poor choices from being made.

I HATE this back and forth shit. Like, I'm fine, everything's gonna be ok... then this crushing lonliness hits me. It's not like I'm physically alone anymore (like EVER, I live with three other dudes now), but that doesn't matter. I feel hollow and alone, like this part of me is gone and it's hard to breathe without it. Even though things had gotten shitty, she was still... there. No matter how bad things were we could still fall asleep together at the end of the night. Now I sleep alone, and that is the worst fucking thing. The closest I get to a bedmate now is situations like the other night, when I passed out drunk on the couch, then Travis passed out drunk on me. Not quite the same thing, you know?

And my biggest problem is that as soon as I lose that, I always immediately seek to find a replacement. Barring the last time we broke up, for about 3 months, I haven't been well and truly single since the beginning of my junior year of high school. That's five years. FIVE YEARS. 16-21. Crazy.

So... I'm lonely. That's about the only constant for me right now. Happy, sad, angry, whatever, that shit's all over the place. But the lonely isn't going anywhere anytime soon.